Whatever happens, don't let go!
by nats-stars
Summary: You know how much it hurts when you fall down the stairs at home? Well, what would happen if you fell off the Improbable Stair in the house? Chaos, that's what! Arthur's grumpy, Suzy's a bit dumb and Sneezer's obsessed with cleaning!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I am not Garth Nix; I would've thought that was slightly obvious. **

**If I was, why the hell would I be on here pretending to be a girl? Ask yourself that!**

**So yeah, Arthur's moody, Suzy's a bit dumb and Sneezer's obsessed with cleaning!**

Arthur.

"Where are we going again?" Suzy asks me dubiously.

I sigh. No matter how many times I tell Suzy that we're visiting Earth, my home planet, it just doesn't seem to sink in. Either she doesn't listen, or she isn't quite all there.

"Earth, Suzy. You know big, round, blue and green planety thing, where I should be right now, but no. I'm stuck here aren't I. I should be allowed to grow up, have a childhood, and make friends! I'm such a loner!"

My voice catches and I decide to shut up.

Ok, maybe that was a bit much, I don't want to upset Suzy but…

You try defeating some strange, overgrown things that want to try and kill you, every single bloody day!

It doesn't do anything for your stress levels, I can tell you!

But anyway. Breathe.

I finish packing my stuff and turn to Suzy. She's sitting in the middle of the meeting table in Monday's dayroom drinking tea and humming to herself.

The Will, or Dame Primus as she likes to be called won't be very happy about that, and Sneezer will have one of his mad sneezing fits when he sees the muddy boot prints she has left.

Sneezer's like that you see. Obsessively tidy, hates mess. I suppose it started when I changed him back to normal after defeating Mister Monday, and gaining the first key.

Meh. You win some, you lose some.

"Ready Suzy?" I ask.

She jumps down from the table with a huge grin on her face, and gives me the thumbs down. I ignore this and hope to god a holiday will do her some good.

We've used the Improbable Stair before, but only in emergencies. Now it's just for fun, for a holiday that I deserve so much.

I withdraw the first key from where it rests at my side. It's my favourite you see.

It's all shiny and pretty…

I stare around the room, wondering what I can use to form the stair.

"Ah hah!" I cry, spotting a pile of official looking papers in the corner, left over from when the morrow days were trying to drown us in official mumbo-jumbo.

Suzy grabs hold of my belt, and grins at me as I look back at her over my shoulder.

LET'S DO THIS THING!! She yells as we jump into the air.

Solid ground is beneath our feet again almost instantaneously.

As I open my eyes, I have to squint until my eyes get used to the glare coming off of the cool white marble of the Improbable Stair. It disappears off into the distance, and I try to visualise where I want to go.

Before we proceed, however, I have to make one thing clear.

"Now Suzy, whatever happens, don't let go!"

"Yeah yeah, as if I'd ever do that! I'm actually quite careful you know…I mean, I didn't actually _mean_ to sit on that transfer plate and break it, and that whole hoo-ha about Sneezers shoe polish 'going missing' was _nothing_ to do with me. I only wanted to see what a turtle would look like if I painted it black and…"

Her voice fades away into an incoherent mumble as I concentrate on moving forwards up the stair.

I can't help but think about that time I fell down the stairs at home though.

Imagine falling down here, I mean OUCH!

Now that I think of it though…it's quite likely to happen. I mean look at Suzy. She's still rambling on bless her. She has moved on from breaking transfer plates and turtles and is insulting Superior Saturday again. Calling her names I again see.

She'll get over it I'm sure.

I don't how much more of this I can take though, so I decide to change the topic of conversation.

"Suzy…?" I say as calmly as possible.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you always wear a hat?" It was the first thing that popped into my head, honest.

"What, this old thing?" She questions, pointing at the squashed and battered top hat that she always wears.

"No, the one on your butt. Which did you think I meant?" I reply sarcastically.

"Well… It's handy, y'know. For putting stuff in, sandwiches and the like. Ooh and cheese! But not that smelly stuff, that don't do your hat much good. You've got to respect your hat you see. Respect it Arthur, respect it."

"Really?"

This doesn't seem all that exciting.

"Well…if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone, especially not Monday's noon?" Asked Suzy hesitantly.

"Of course I won't tell anyone!" I smiled, while mentally preparing a list of people that I could tell, including the world and his wife.

"It's just…umm… myhairgoesfrizzysometimes!" She mumbled, squishing the sentence up into one word and saying it in the quietest voice that she could manage.

I thought it would be something amazing, some really big secret that would help me solve the mystery of girl kind.

But no. Frizzy hair is all I get.

"Have you never heard of straighteners?" I ask…then I realise what I said, and how damn camp I sound.

"And they would be?"

"Well, they're these really cool things, they get hot, then you put them on your hair for a bit and they make it all nice and straight and unfrizzified!

I'm losing concentration now, but I just can't stop. I love straighteners; they're like my personal saviours!

As I look up, I see the steps fading away a bit, and the floor beneath my feet feels a bit unstable.

What's going on?

Suzy is starting to trip behind me, and I stumble too.

All of a sudden, we're flying, falling through the air.

"Suzy! I'm gonna kill you for this!!" I yell.

Thump

I stare up towards the bright lights and wonder where the hell we are.

Maybe some cool other world, with new stuff to eat…and highly advanced straighteners!

A wonderful world full of people with straight, unfrizzy hair…

The light is fading a bit now, and I can just make out a sign.

Suzy stirs beside me, and, as she is part denizen and can recover quicker than me, starts to read the sign.

"T-E-S…"

I cut her off before she can finish.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**I hope you like this first chapter, it may be a bit long, but hopefully it's ok!**

**Please review and tell me what you think.**

**:D**

**XxX**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Yep, still not Garth Nix! Just little old me :D**

**I don't own the Jeremy Kyle show either. Why anyone would want to I don't know… And I also don't own Tesco, much as I may want the food there.**

**I am so sorry I didn't update sooner, but life has been hectic. Exams, coursework, 'social events' (makes me sound posh doesn't it).**

**But it's here now! A brand new chapter for my lovely reviewers to read :D**

**Xx**

**Btw, Tesco's a supermarket/grocery store whatever you want to call it. Big shop that sells food etc.**

**PG-tips are a type of tea. It tastes good :)**

Arthur (still)

As we walk around, I can't help but laugh at Suzy's face.

She stares around in amazement at every aisle we pass, and every so often she exclaims:

"What the…?" or "This can't be real!"

"Suzy, it is real. We're in Tesco. You know, big old supermarket, full of food?"

"Well, you know we don't need food in the house!" She replies, still in shock.

My laughter at her expressions soon dies down though when I realise the full extent of

what has happened…

1. We've fallen off of the improbable stair.

2. I have no idea where we in England we are.

3. We're in Tesco.

4. Lots of old people are giving us evils, probably planning the best way to sneak up on us and either run us over with their trolleys or hit us with their zimmer frames.

5. Suzy is sitting next to the pizzas in a freezer cabinet.

Wait… Suzy is in a freezer cabinet?

Crap!!

I wrench open the door, grab her arm and pull her out.

"Bit cold in there, might wanna sort that out. Penguins'll get jealous" Suzy grumbles, rubbing her arms in a vague attempt to warm herself up.

I walk off. If only I had some straighteners…

As she trots along behind me, I can hear her 'oohing' and 'ahhing' over certain products. Reminds me of the time we went to the tower of the London to see the crown jewels. I got some awesome straighteners that day…

But anyway, moving swiftly on…

I look up and realise we're heading towards the tea and biscuits aisle.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea?

Too late. Suzy has spotted the PG-tips.

"MINE!" she yells, throwing herself forwards. Trolleys crash, biscuits go flying and old people scatter like bowling pins.

Eventually, she manages to battle her way through, and gabs a box.

After trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to blend in with the shelves, I realise that people are giving me weird looks and that I should probably go and rescue Suzy.

I waltz forward and put on my best 'police officer at a crime scene' voice.

"Right then ladies and gents, nothing to see here, move along please. That's it, move on…"

Eventually the crowd of OAP's disperses and I'm able to grab Suzy. She's produced a kettle from somewhere and is trying to start a fire with a packet of digestive biscuits.

That just tips me over the limit.

"Suzy, you can't make a fire in Tesco! The evil security guards will chuck you out, and then what we will do?

How come I'm stuck here with you in a godforsaken shop in the middle of nowhere when I'm meant to be on holiday?

Damn the improbable stair! I'll sue whoever created it…

How come the Doctor gets to travel around in the Tardis, with clever assistants in comfort with a box that's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside? The least they could do for us is install a chair lift on the stair so I don't have to walk. That takes effort! And where are my straighteners?"

I finish with a sob.

Suddenly a cup if tea is shoved under my nose.

"Want one? I have biscuits!" asks Suzy, waving a packet at me enticingly.

I give in, and accept.

After a relaxing cup of tea, and surprisingly, no interruptions by nosey security guards, I can think a little clearer. Well, about something other than straighteners at least.

Well, we need to get out of here.

"But, but, but! The tea! I can't leave it, it'll miss me!" moans Suzy. She tries puppy dog eyes, but it really doesn't work, especially not while she's got biscuit crumbs in her hair.

It does look quite cute though…

What am I thinking?

I spot a handy pile of crates, stacked into what look like steps. They'll do.

"Suzy, grab my hand!" I yell, overjoyed that we can finally get out.

"Whatever tickles your pickle mate." she says seriously, before grabbing hold and smiling scarily at me.

However, I think I can still see a small glint of tears in her eyes as she casts one last, forlorn look at the tea bags scattered round.

I visualise the steps and just as my feet hit the marble steps, I hear Suzy whisper,

"I love you…"

That girl is even weirder than I thought. Falling in love with tea, whatever next!

However, I later came to realise that she may not have been talking about the tea…

My feet hit the cool surface of the stair, and I grit my teeth, determined not to fall off this time.

"Right, Suzy. Remember what I said last time? Remember it, 'cause if anything like that happens again, I may end up leaving you behind." I try to enforce upon her the importance of this.

Maybe I put a bit too much oomph into my voice.

I see fear in her eyes, and suddenly feel bad. Speaking more gently this time, I say "Now, what was it I want you to remember?"

"Whatever happens, don't let go?" she whispers, still clinging on tightly to my hand.

"Well done!" I congratulate her, proud that my message has finally sunk in.

We start off up the stairs, Suzy humming a little tune (What do you do with a drunken sailor, I think).

At first, this was annoying. After a little while, I come to realise, it's actually quite soothing and addictive!

I start joining in, humming a little counter melody. We eventually get so carried away with our humming, I fail to realise what's happening.

A sudden familiar lurch, wobbling of the knees and blackness alerts me to what's happening.

"Suzy! This time I really will kill you!" I yell. Not that it makes much difference, but it makes me feel better!

Yet again, Suzy comes round first.

I groan, and then listen to her endless torrent of questions.

"What are them big old machines for? And why are there lots of people staring at us? Why am I holding your hand? And who the hell is Jeremy Kyle? Ooh, tea!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Let's say this again shall we. Simply, and clearly so anyone who's not sure may get it.**

**I. Am. Not. Garth. Nix.**

**I. Do. Not. Own. This. Or. The. Jeremy. Kyle. Show.**

**Alright?**

**Well then, let's do this thing!**

_AN: I am so sorry my update time has been so long again! Not as long as last time mind you!_

_This update was spurred on by the new reviews I've gotten, so thank you very much!_

* * *

Suzy:

Bright lights, funny lookin' black objects on wheels, weird looking' guys all staring at me like I've fallen out of the sky… What the 'eck is going on?

Well, I 'spose I did just fall out of the sky but that's their problem, isn't it!

From what Arthur's told me about his world, they have things like aeroplanes which can move people around the sky… of course people are gonna come tumbling down eventually!

But anyway, I should probably get Arthur to wake up probably. He's such a fool, he can't handle his falls well. I'll have to teach him a bit better.

Wait a minute… is that tea I can see?

Oh my days, I think it is!

"MINE!!!!!!!!"

I launch myself at the tea, precariously placed on a little table between 3 squishy looking chairs.

After downing half the pot of tea, and making the biscuits on the plate next to it resemble mere crumbs in my eagerness, I realise that there are a pair of very shiny shoes right next to me. I follow the shoes up. There's a leg… a stomach… shoulders… all pretty normal so far.

But then… The face.

"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

Well, that woke Arthur up!

"What? What? What?" he yells, sitting up and staring around, trying vainly to work out where he is.

He looks a bit like a startled owl. He showed me a picture of one of them once. He'll regret it now, when I start poking fun at him!

Looked a bit weird - the picture I mean. And surely it ain't natural to be able to turn your head that far round?

He stumbles over to me, just as I fall over the table that had the tea on, trying desperately to escape from the horror that lay before me, where this mans face should have been.

"Wh… what's that?" I stuttered, as I lay sprawled out on the floor next to the chairs.

"That? You made all that fuss about him? It's me that should be angry, you've gone and pulled me off the bloody stair again!" Arthur yells. I never knew his face could get that red, it's quite amusing. Like a owl that flew into a tomato…

I try to change the topic again.

"But, who is he? Or… what?" I ask feebly, doing my puppy dog eyes that I know always work on Arthur. Even if he thinks he can resist, I know it's his weakness.

"Him?" Arthur asks sceptically. "That's Jeremy Kyle. He hosts a chat show thing in the UK where dysfunctional families can go and rant at each other on TV while he stands around being a prat. What do you mean, what is he?"

"Well… his face. It's just not right!" I whimper, before extricating myself from the side of the chair and standing up.

The scary guy, Jeremy Kyle is returning after he stalked away earlier when I screamed at his face.

Something tells me he must get that a lot.

I should tell him to get a hat. Cover up some of his face, do him a right lot of good!

But then, he might not respect his hat…

"You've got to respect your hat Arthur!" I insist.

He looks at me confusedly for a second before going back to running his hands through his hair and muttering something.

Sounds like "mummy help!"

The man, Jeremy, starts talking to Arthur.

"Are you here to be our next guests? What's the problem? Not sure if the babies yours? Unfaithful partner? Drunk?"

"He took all my money, and I'm going to have a baby!" I cry. What? It may not be true, but I wanted to liven things up a bit while were here.

Arthur looked shocked. Oh how amusing. Now he looks like a shocked owl that had flown into a tomato. Whatever next!

Before Arthur has a chance to complain, we're shoved forwards onto the chairs and two people come over and cover us in powder.

"To make you look good under all the lights dear!" was all that one of the women said as she tried to poke me in the eye with a little brush thing.

Still not quite sure what was going on, or what was going to happen, I stay sat on the chair complacently enough.

Pretty soon, scary face man came over and someone shouted "ACTION!"

"Well, on today's show we have Arthur and Suzy here. They may look like your normal, loving couple - a bit young maybe, but still…" Jeremy Kyle started up his well rehearsed spiel and went on to say:

"Underneath this happy façade, lurks a dark and bleak edge. Arthur who is about to become the father of Suzy's baby has been regularly taking her money. Just why would you do this Arthur? Why? You're a terrible father that's why. Explain yourself!"

"Buh… buh… what?" Arthur gapes.

I begin to enjoy myself. I sure as heck have no idea what was happening, but this is gonna be fun. Time to get my own back on Arthur for that time when he ratted me out to Sneezer after I tried to do a knee slide down the meeting table in Monday's dayroom. Just a bit of fun, but no. He had a sneezing attack and got snot all over he table…

Oh how I laughed!

Back to the show though.

"He took my money!" I wail pathetically. "I needed that to buy tea! I have a baby-thingy in here!" I gesture wildly towards my stomach region.

"And, and ooft!"

I didn't mean to say ooft. It's just that as I was getting into my rant, Arthur grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the chair.

Security guards rush towards us. There's panic as I try to save the remaining biscuits from being crushed underfoot.

I feel Arthur's warm hand grasp mine, and all of a sudden, I don't seem to care about the biscuits anymore. I smile serenely up at him.

He scowls back, giving me the worst evils he can manage.

Pretty pathetic attempt I say.

He's heading for a couple of empty boxes that would have had doughnuts in, but they'd all been eaten. Probably by scary face guy.

The next thing I knew, and we were on the stair again.

"Where now?" I ask eagerly.

"Where we were meant to be going in the first pace!" exclaimed Arthur irritably.

We continue on up the stairs until…

"Mummy, HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!!"

* * *

*thump*

That time, it was definitely Arthur's fault that we fell. And I'm so sure that he yell mummy help. Yay for more teasing opportunities!

I blink.

Lights. Lots and lots of pretty lights.

And a huge Christmas tree!!!

Where the hell are we this time?

* * *

**AN: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed!**

**You guys make my day!**

**Paladin Dragoon : Straighteners are those things… um, like the opposite of curling irons.**

**These things : [IMG].[/IMG]**

**I know I look wierd, I'm sorry, i can't help it :P**

**Review please you lovely bunch of people!**

**And I'm sorry it's so long, but once I started I just couldn't stop…**

**And also sorry for insulting Jeremy Kyle so much, but that guy scares me!**

**xx**


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